It's been a while

Right now, school and work are both kicking my butt. Needless to say, my stress level is sitting at about a 15 right now (on a scale of 1-10). I am beginning to be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. However, it's coming very slowly. I'm ready for break, and to go on vacation. I need it right about now. I'm sure i'll be ready to get back to school after j-term, but right now I could be done with school forever and that would be fine with me.
On other fronts, I'm stressed as well. Diabetes: sucky. Work: A LOT. Home: Crazy.

HATEFUL WORDS

I HATE BEING DIABETIC. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. Actually, I MEGA-LOATHE IT. enough said.

New

New computer came last Wednesday. I haven't been able to play with it too much yet, as I've been at work or school or doing some other more-important thing. I have a ton of homework to do, yet I'm still sitting here blabbing about stuff that no one cares about. Story of my life.
I'm doing my best not to go crazy, but I gotta admit its gettin kind of tough. I thought school would get hard and then ease up a bit, but that hasn't been the tale. Stress-level stays at maximum most days. Workin on that.

My Best

I'm doin my best to get through the week. My birthday's on Friday, which would be super-exciting, except that I have to go to school and work, so instead it's just really-exciting. My goal is really just to get a bunch of homework done so I don't have to do any this weekend, since my schedule is packed with Archiver's. One exciting thing, I ordered a new computer, so hopefully I'll be able to use photoshop and stuff better on the new one.

Things to look forward to:
-New computer coming
-Grey's and Betty on Thursday
-Birthday lunch on Friday

Thoughts and prayers

I guess it's just me. Maybe I really don't have any will power. Maybe I won't ever get my life under control. I guess I just feel like a failure most of the time. Yeah, I go to school, get good grades, and work 2 jobs, but to me, that's just what I do. I don't see it as a success. I see my friend-less, lonely, boring life, and can't find a good thing to hang on to.

A friend is going through a tough time, and I pray for her every day. I'll never be as strong or as brave or as full-of-life as her. Sometimes it feels like it isn't fair that she could have such a great life, but that instead I live a life that looks great and she gets the short end of the stick. What do you say about that? Cuz I have no freakin idea.

Up to no good

So school's back in full swing. I'm once again buried in homework and reading assignments, as well as working 20 hours a week. Not that I'm complaining, I've just got to get back into my schedule so that I can pull everything off without pulling out all of my hair.

The one thing I don't like about school is that it severely shortens the amount of time I can spend scrapping, and when I do have time, I usually just want to lay in my bed and watch TV. Of course, I can still find time to shop. Up to no good. No pages getting done, but plenty of supplies coming in :). I'm doing my best to use my stash, but sometimes things are just so cool or beautiful that I can't pass them up. Plus, I've gotta take advantage of my discount, don't I? So my hope for these next few weeks is that I can get back into school mode and find a little bit more time to scrap. We'll see how that pans out.

School, Work, and Mountains of Books

School starts again next week...tad bit excited, tad bit nervous, and tad bit sad. I'm excited to get back into the swing of things. To be honest, I actually like school. I like reading and learning and the interaction with other people. I'm nervous, just like I always am before something starts over again. I'm working at my on-campus job 18 hours a week plus my 16 credit load and my weekend job. I'm hoping that I can keep up with it. I'm sad because some of my friends are gone from school now. My bff from last year graduated, and I haven't been able to see her all summer. It makes me sad. Because now I can count my friends on my 2 hands. Bit depressing, don't you think?

More Rain...both inside and out

First of all, I am in love with the Goo Goo Dolls. Really only Johnny Resnick, but I love the band's music, so I count the whole thing. The concert was awesome! (if you didn't figure that out from my previous sentence) :) Even the opening acts were really good, which doesn't always happen.

But, I am sorry to say that it is still raining outside. We've had storms the past 2 nights, and last night some trees got knocked down by the wind. I'm sick of umbrellas, closed-toed shoes, and anything that has to do with weather. This is the reason I could never be a meteorologist.

And the weather outside seems to be seeping into my psyche. I'm just feeling crappy lately. It's most likely a combination of weather, school starting, my new job, and my generally over-crowded and hectic life. But it still sucks. I don't have the urge to scrapbook, and that cannot be a good sign. Hopefully it will change.

Rain

I can't put into words how much I am sick of rain right now. It has been raining for the last 6 days. Not full-on, roof-pounding, soaker rain. Just raining on and off every day, enough to be annoying and make me go crazy. And it doesn't help the mood at all either. Boo for rain.

In other news, I'm excited to go to the Great Minnesota Get-Together tomorrow (for those who don't know what that is, it's the Minnesota State Fair). A friend and I are going to eat cookies, french fries, mini donuts, pronto pups, and drink lots of diet coke before we go to see the Goo Goo Dolls at the Grandstand in the evening. It should be fun...and the opening acts are Lifehouse and Colbie Colleit, who are actually pretty good! I love the song Bubbly, so looking forward to singin that! We'll probably also have to go see the Butter Sculptures (hey, it's a Minnesota thing), look at all the animals, and get some free stuff too. Yay!

My MMM 2008 Layouts

Here are the layouts that I sent in for MMM 2008. I'm excited for the winners, but still a bit disappointed. I'm sure it will pass! In the meantime, I'm starting to work more at my new SB store job, and I'm liking it! I like having contact with customers again and being up-to-date on the latest and greatest in the scrapping world! TFL!

A Little Down...

So no MMM this year. Not that I was expecting anything (though I have to admit that I may have been holding onto some tiny glimmer of hope. That's the tiny optimist that lives inside me with my pessimistic outer-self.) I'm still glad that I did it. I challenged myself to enter a contest at least once this year, and I accomplished that. Now, I just have to figure out what's next...maybe HOF? We'll see.

More Layouts

Here's some layouts that I took some pics of. I haven't had access to a scanner for a while, so the pics are kind of bad, but I wanted to upload them.

I love comments, so leave a few if you want!

gosh darn it!

Yeah, I know that I sound like an old lady by using that title, but what actually came out of my mouth isn't proper for posting. Anyway, so as I have been saying, the MMM 2008 contest finalists are supposed to be notified between yesterday and next monday. I got an unavailable number on my phone today, answered it, and it was a wrong number. I wasn't thinking much of it, until I hung up and realized that my heart was beating rediculously fast and I was nervous. Great. I have been doing my best not to get excited or worried about it, because I know I'm not going to win. But I guess my brain and body have different ideas. I don't want to be disappointed. I know that it's just part of taking a chance, but still. So to that, I say: GOSH DARN IT!

I'm trying to cram in reading a few more books before that is no longer an option (thanks to school). I am also trying to branch out from reading my usual choice of chick-lit. Expanding my horizons, growing. I picked up 3 books from the school library this morning, played eenie-meenie-miney-mo to pick which one to start with, and dove in. The book I'm reading right now (The Fugitive Wife) is good, but I still long for a perfect, bright pink, 300-page romance filled, shopping included, friendship story. A girl can dream.

Happy...but Nervous

I applied for, interviewed for, and recieved a job as a sales associate at a local scrapbook store. I'm really excited; ever since the scrapbook store that I used to work at closed, I have been missing that type of creative work that allows me to interact and help customers. I enjoy that aspect of a sales job (well, most of the time). I have to do some training stuff next week. One plus? I get paid to take 2 classes. Sweet. It's a little nervewracking though. New people. new system, new rules. It's a lot to take in, plus school starts in less than 2 weeks (I'm presently in a bit of denial about that). I am excited to go back to school, but just hoping that I'll be able to keep up with 2 jobs and all of my school work. I don't think it will be a problem.

Still waiting on MMM 2008. Not expecting anything, but still waiting.

Intriguing.

I have to admit that I tend to be a tad bit pessimistic. Don't know why, I just am. The dumb thing is, I want to be optimistic, but I am unable to take that little bit of pessimism that lives inside of me and push it to the side. When it comes to my other people and their lives, I am able to be optimistic for them; reassure, assist, be happy. But I can't do the same for myself. I guess it's one of those questions of life that may never have an answer. I was thinking about this the other day when I was chatting with a friend who was having a crappy time. I had no problem telling her that everything was going to be ok, but when she said something about my life (and specifically love-life) would be fine, I couldn't agree with her. Hhmmph.

Life in general right now is boring. Sleep, work, sit around. That's what I do. I'm sure once school starts and I get busier than hell I'll wish that I could go back, but right now it's kind of a downer.

Fun and games

Mi madre and I took a short road trip to visit some friends and just get out of town for a while. We had a great time being able to do whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted. It was nice to not be stretched for time or have to be thinking about other things that needed to be done for a short (3-day) while. Now we're back, and it's back to work for both of us. OK, really it's more back to work for her than for me, but what's the difference.

Waiting

I sent in my Memory Makers Masters entry yesterday. Now the waiting begins. I have to admit that I'm not that optimistic when it comes to that subject. I never really am when it comes to my own achievements.
I've also been trying to see if I could find places to enter other contests. My goal (very long-term) is to get a page published. We'll see how that goes.

Here's a few pages that I finally got scanned. TFL!

Scrapping woes

OK, so I'm getting ready to send in my entry for Memory Makers Masters 2008. I'm not sure I want to do it anymore. I've had a lot of time to look online at the galleries, and I just don't think I have the stuff to make it. I want to think I do, but I really don't know. Sometimes I feel really good about a page and then look online and don't feel so great anymore. I want to scrapbook for myself - I DO scrapbook for myself, but it feels good to get some affirmation sometimes, you know?!?!?

Exhaustion is tiring. Think about that one for a second. I am so tired. We went on a short 3-day va-cay to northern wisconsin. We swam, boated, ate, and now...exhaustion. I don't even have the energy to scrapbook (GASP!) Hopefully with some rest and relaxation I will be back to normal in a few days...

Long

It's been a long week, to say the least. It started out all rainbows and flowers, but didn't proceed that way. Sunday? Just fine. Nothin to brag about, but just a lazy, boring day. Perfect for a Sunday. Then came Monday, and things went downhill quickly. Let's just say there were some tears and self-pity. IDK, it was just a bad day...nothing spurred me on or anything, it just kind of happened. Now its Thursday and i'm just tired. Luckily I don't have anything to do this weekend (save for working 6 hours on Saturday) so you know what that means...scrapping, of course! I have a few pages that need to be finished and some plans spinning around in my head for others. Love it. So hopefully, the week will end on a good note.

On the other hand, I re-organiezed my room last week and I still like it, so that's a plus. I like to clean and organize, so I tend to do it often. Just one of my many quirks. I can thank my mom for that one.

Trying it out

Some people have told me that I should enter some of my scrapbook pages to get published. There is a competition through the magazine that I subscribe to, that I have decided to enter. I'm excited, but a little nervous too. I guess that I'm just afraid that I might get too excited and then feel let down if I don't win (which I guess isn't likely). I want to believe that I am a good scrapbooker, but I tend to not think that the pages that I do are any good.

Homework is stupid

I'm excited that school is almost over. Not because i'm excited to work, or excited to be done with class, but because I DON'T WANT TO DO ANYMORE HOMEWORK. Nuff said.

Rant

This is my rant. If you don't want to read it, you don't have to. But I don't guarantee that I won't use foul language or say the same thing over and over again. So you've been warned.
I just don't know what to do. I hate myself right now. I hate being diabetic and I hate being depressed and I hate the things that I do and the problems I have. Being diabetic is somewhat like being water tortured. Ok, it sounds like a long-shot, but let me elaborate. So when you're being water tortured, you are laying down and they drip a drop of water on your head every so often. Eventually it can make you go crazy, yet theres nothing you can do because you're held down. When you're diabetic, its like every stupid finger prick is a drop of water. Even though right now its helping, I still know in the back of my head that I am continuously getting worse. Slowly but surely. So sometimes I am in denial. I like to act like i'm not diabetic. But its actually just making it worse. I don't know how to fix that. Life right now just feels so BAD. I don't know what to do, you know?

LO's that I LOVE

These are some of the LO's that I have made that I really am proud of. I'm not trying to be full of myself or anything, I just like to remind myself of some accomplishments every now and then.

The bad side of a "dialogue"

Have you ever been in a situation where a conversation was going on but you couldn't say anything? because if you did say something, you may be attacked? That was me today. It sucks. I wanted to say so many things, but I knew that I couldn't. There were more reasons than one that I couldn't say anything. I hate that I feel that way, because I like to think of myself as a strong and self-confident person when it comes to my intelligence and values, but this situation...wow.

Craziness

So last night was complete and utter craziness - and I loved it. Me and my buddies ate, shopped, laughed, and watched Grey's. It was tons-o-fun. We were very intense, to say the least. I love my buddies...they love me even though i act like a compete nut most of the time. We're doing it again next week. Can't wait.

Public Speaking = Death

I hate presentations. I can't help it. I just hate getting in front of people that I don't know very well and giving a presentation. I always think that people are judging me, and I can't stop. And it sucks even more when the teacher is a freaking hard grader and I have a perfectionist mind. That is why, children, my thought of the day is that Public Speaking = Death. So if for some reason I stop posting after next wednesday (which also happens to be my least favorite day of the year) you should just pray for me that I haven't died during a presentation. Thanks

Nothingness (my new favorite word)

What am I up to? Nothingness. That describes my life right now. It pretty much consists of school, work, and sleep. Or, as I like to call it, nothingness. Nothing exciting, nothing interesting. Nothingness. Pretty good, huh?

My good friend doubt...

Doubt. Everybody knows it. It's a pain in the ass and it makes life even more difficult than it already is. I am in doubt of myself. I doubt my ability to do the work i need to. I doubt my ability to ever fall in love or have a relationship. I doubt that my friends still like me, that i'll ever decide what I want to do, that i'll ever get a job. Let me tell you, doubt sucks. It's always there in the back of my mind, just waiting to pop up at a time of weakness on my part. I'm not sure how to get rid of it.

Food for thought

Life is weird right now. I'm in a period of transition; from teen to adult, from student to employee. And relationships are in no way like they used to be. I don't talk to most of my old friends, and I've made a few new ones. It seems like all of my old friends have just changed so much and that I can't be friends with them anymore because I'm not good enough. I feel like I am a good person, sure I have my problems just like everyone, but it seems like I'm not growing in the same ways that everyone else my age is. It sucks

Thinkin...

I was thinking...which sometimes can be a bad thing, but in this case was just thinking. Life is short, thats what people keep telling me and everyone else. They say it on TV and in the movies and online. But sometimes right now, it feels like life drags on slower and slower. And other days fly by. Its just so confusing and overwhelming and hard sometimes. People and places come and go, but i'll always be me. And sometimes that just doesn't feel good enough. But how do I make it good enough?

This Day

The walk for diabetes was on Saturday...it was a ton of fun and I ended up raising almost 700 dollars (much more than I had expected). People were very generous and supportive of the cause, which I appreciated a ton. However, its always a little bit of a downer to be there too because I know that I am a BD (bad diabetic). Its a crappy disease, and sometimes I just like to act like I don't have it, which doesn't help my control. Blah. Gotta go to the endocrinologist again in a couple of weeks so i have to get some sort of act together so that I don't look totally hopeless. I want to be a GD. Thats my goal for the year.

Classes start again next week, which I am looking forward to. We'll see how much I like it once I actually have to do something again. Yikes